We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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