I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
