glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
