You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
