my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
