Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
