somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
