I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
