you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize