im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
