Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
