You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
