Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
whose parrot is this?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
