I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
