Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
