I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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