My liver just broke up with me...
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
