He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
