you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
