my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
