i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Actions speak louder than pants.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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