i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
