Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
