It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
