I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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