yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
