did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think I am morally bankrupt
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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