all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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