She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
