Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
