Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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