grandma shit on top of the toilet
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i think i scared a bird with my dick
God gave him joint rollers for hands
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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