tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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