"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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