Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
