just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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