I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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