This is not my ceiling
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
