Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
