I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
