New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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