cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
