In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
