Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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