She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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