Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
