the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
