apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
