She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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