I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
