I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
