just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Who died my cat blue again?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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