Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
