Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
