FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
