I didn't shave. On purpose
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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