i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
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I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
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How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
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