I cannot find my penis.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's shark week go big or go home
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
