I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
