Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
